god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
