Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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