if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
it's like iHOP with fire
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
