I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Randomize
