I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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