She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
