I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
