I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
