I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
as a side note pls kill me
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
