Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
it glows. i had to have it.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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