I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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