Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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