Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
