did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
