I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
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