please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
