I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
