Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
