This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
