It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
