And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
