im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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