That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
