god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
