when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
