So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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