I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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