He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
