u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
This baby is an asshole
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize