I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
