The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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