____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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