Apparently you make a good broom.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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