i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize