you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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