After last night, I could never be a politician.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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