Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
