you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
