Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
We need to rekindle our bromance
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
