Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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