It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
