how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
