dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
