five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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