I have demons in me.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
