well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
