I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
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