I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
