also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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