I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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