Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
