There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
