The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Floor bacon is actually really good
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
