I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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