she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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