Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
