I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
