dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
