Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
