yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize