Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
