Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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