he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
