The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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