I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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