I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
