I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
