oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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