do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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