A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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